Memoirs of a Back-up Bride’s maid

I went to high school with this wack-job girl who finally decided it was time for her to get married. To protect the identity of the obvious, we will refer to this girl as "Schmuck-face". Yep, she's getting married to a Peruvian and she asked our good friend to be a "Back-up Bride's Maid." Where do I even start with this one?

First, Schmuck-face has some serious issues herself. There is nothing wrong with marrying a Peruvian. However, marrying a "not-sure-if-he-a-is-legal-or-illegal-Peruvian" presents serveral interesting challenges. FIRST, if some poverty stricken person from a third world country was here in the country, either legally or illegally, I doubt he or she would be very...um, let's say...PICKY...about the person they were marrying. Believe me, I lived in Peru for 2 years, and could have married any one of hundreds of Peruvian women if I wanted to. Normally speaking, they are so "star-struck" that they could careless who the actual person is. PLUS, it goes without saying, that the promise of "citizenship" is a little added bonus.

Secondly, being Peruvian, this guy isn't necessarily rolling around in money. In fact, he works at Deseret Industry. In case you didn't know, working at DI is NOT good money. In fact, it is horrible money. BUT, compared to where Peruvian Boy comes from, it's a treasure. The problem is that when you decide to spend your "treasure" on something here in the states that is expensive, like a wedding ring, you very quickly discover that your job sucks. That is what happened here. Apparently, Peruvian Boy got Schmuck-face a ring that resembles a grain of rice with an unfolded paper-clip wrapped around her finger. It is tiny and hideous, a bad combination for Schmuck-face who swore she was going to have at least a 4 karat ring when she got married. Good job Schmuck-face, only 3.999 more Karats to go!

The last, and worst problem with this whole situation, is the "Back-up bride's maid". What in the world is a "Back-up Bride's Maid"? You mean to tell me that you expect this person to buy a dress and plane ticket, fly to your forsaken wedding not really sure if she's going to be in it? What a crock! To be perfectly honest, Schmuck-face deserves everything she gets in the wedding, so I wish her the best of luck.